


since we were stars

by withoutwords



Category: due South
Genre: Canon Compliant, Christmas, Fluff and Angst, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:41:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28356390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/withoutwords/pseuds/withoutwords
Summary: "It was St. Francis who said, it is in giving that we receive."5 times Fraser and Ray exchange Christmas gifts, and 1 time they exchange the truth.
Relationships: Benton Fraser/Ray Kowalski
Comments: 21
Kudos: 54





	since we were stars

**Author's Note:**

> I'd hoped to get it done before Christmas but oh well, it's not toooo late :)

Fraser bought him a Christmas present their first year as partners - which Ray should've been prepared for, really, since Fraser also got him a gift for his birthday that wasn't really  _ his _ birthday and pretended it was a part of the whole Vecchio cover and not some freaky polite Mountie thing.

Ray had known Fraser about two weeks back then, but he'd still known the truth. It was his job to know.

"I wasn't sure if you observe the Christmas holiday," Fraser'd said when he gave him the gift, making Ray huff.  _ Observe _ , not celebrate, like other -  _ normal _ \- people would say.

"Uh, yeah, I do. Thanks, Fraser."

"You're welcome. I hope you like it."

"I didn't get you anything, though. I mean, since Stella and me … I'm just no good at remembering those things."

"Oh that's quite alright, Ray. It was St. Francis who said,  _ it is in giving that we receive _ ."

Ray had just nodded along like he usually did when Fraser talked, but he hadn't really understood what he'd meant. Still, if Fraser wasn't upset about Ray forgetting the usual traditions then Ray wasn't about to argue. What do you get a Mountie who had nothing, anyway?

"Hey, thanks," Ray said, surprised into a smile. Fraser had bought a little figure of a castle to put into his turtle's tank. "That's great."

Fraser smiled. One of those rare ones Ray got from time to time, that let Ray know he wasn't performing. He was just Benton Fraser.

"Merry Christmas, Ray."

*

During their second year as partners the precinct did a Secret Santa. Even though Ray wound up with Welsh like he'd hoped, he knew he couldn't just dismiss Fraser as another colleague. They were friends,  _ good _ friends, and the least Ray could do was get him a little Christmas gift too.

"Fraser, hey," Ray had said when Fraser joined him at his desk. The Christmas party was still in full swing, but Huey and Dewey were standing on chairs singing Christmas Carols and Ray had legged it. "Your hat's here, I didn't crease it or nothing."

Fraser gave him one of those,  _ you're an idiot but I don't mind  _ smiles. "It's perfectly alright, Ray. I trust you.."

"Right. Well. Here," Ray said awkwardly, thrusting the messily wrapped gift at him. Gift giving wasn't really his favourite thing to do - mostly because he was so good at reading people that when someone said, 'I love it,' Ray knew they actually meant 'This is terrible, why would you think I'd like this?'

"For me?" Fraser sounded almost disbelieving.

"Yeah."

"From you?"

"Yeah," Ray teased, rolling his eyes. "Don’t tell me you know another Ray Vecchio.”

Fraser smirked, but his attention was mostly on the gift. “Thank you."

"Don't thank me yet, you don't know what's inside." 

"I have something for you too, Ray," Fraser told him as he slowly, carefully started to peel the paper off the parcel. "But, what with everything that's happened these passed few days, I'm afraid I've left it behind at the Consulate."

Ray shrugged. "It'll keep."

When Fraser got it unwrapped at last, his expression did things to Ray's guts that he'd always tried to push aside. Ignore.

"I got it from this weird shop a few streets from my place," Ray nattered on, trying not to dwell too much on it all, feelings. "And the lady, she said it was good stuff, Canadian stuff, you know, so."

"That's wonderful, Ray," Fraser said, looking at a box of bark tea like Ray had just given him a key to the city. Or the Yukon, or the Territories, or whatever Fraser might like a key to.

“I figured now when you come over I’ll have something to give you.” 

At those words Fraser looked at Ray, a gaze that Ray almost struggled to return. It felt too … too private, since they were in the middle of the bullpen and no doubt Frannie would be over here in search of Fraser soon, or Welsh would forget it’s a holiday and be in Ray’s ear about a case.

“Merry Christmas, Ray.”   
  


*

The third year as Fraser’s partner, Ray spent Christmas freezing his skinny butt off somewhere in the North of Canada. Fraser never went a day without letting Ray know their location, or where they were headed, but Ray wasn’t all that concerned. It was the first time in his life that he was well and truly lost in the world, but had never felt safer in someone else’s hands.

“I have something for you, Ray,” Fraser told him around one of their many campfires, handing Ray a small parcel that was wrapped in brown paper and twine.

Ray took it and inspected it the way he did his meals - they didn’t make sense, but it was Fraser giving them to him. He trusted it would be okay. “What for?

“It’s Christmas, Ray.”

Ray balked. They were four or five - or six? - weeks into their quest to find the Hand of Franklin, and on top of being in the middle of nowhere, Ray had truly lost all concept of time. “It is?

“Yes. I told you two days ago.”

“So you’ve been hanging onto this since we left?”

Fraser’s mouth had twisted guiltily, a thumb playing at his eyebrow. “A little longer than that, I have to confess.”

“Well, shit, Fraser, if I’d known - ”

“Don’t be silly. Just open it.”

Ray - for once - did what he was told. He did a lot of that during the quest, though. He had to learn to take direction without letting his stubborn streak get in the way. It was a lot easier in Canada when it was a matter of life or death; than back home when it was a matter of Ray’s ego.

“That’s really cool Frase,” Ray said empathically, pulling out a wrist band with a small wolf head carving attached. He was wearing gloves and so many layers he wasn’t sure when he’d see his wrists again - but he liked it a lot. He liked that Fraser knew he’d like it. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Does it have, y’know, a story?”

Fraser smiled patiently. “There are many stories related to wolves Ray.”

“No, I know, I meant a Fraser story.”

“Well, I did buy it with a story in mind.”

“Surprise,” Ray teased with a smile, feeling his heart flit about like a dumb bird. Ray was so dumb.

“It’s one of Amarok, the spirit of the wolf. It’s said that he was summoned to help cull the ill and weak of the caribou , in order to prevent the herd from dying out.”

“That’s a real happy story, Frase, I’m glad it made you think of me.”

“But it is a happy story, Ray,” Fraser said, laughter in his voice. “Certainly the happiest of the Amarok legends. He was a lone wolf, you see, not part of a pack. And yet he was needed, wanted … he helped others prosper.”

Ray had trouble speaking around the lump in his throat - around the words Fraser wasn’t saying. “Sounds more like a story about you.”

“I suppose so. Although you may argue it’s not really about either of us. Not any more.”

“How’s that?”

“Well, we are a pack now,” Fraser said quietly, the fire flickering orange light across his soft, contented smile. “Wouldn’t you say?” 

“Yeah,” Ray said, smiling back, ducking his head to inspect the wolf’s head more closely. “Definitely a pack.”

“Merry Christmas, Ray.”

*

The next year Ray wasn’t Fraser’s partner any more, but he brought him a present anyway and left it in his closet. Ray went to the Vecchio’s for Christmas lunch and then took a six pack home and sat alone on his couch watching hockey reruns and eating from a bag of chips. It was the worst Christmas he’d had since he and Stella broke up - the most pathetic he’d felt since about that time too.

“Hi, Ray,” Fraser said when he called, waking Ray after he’d fallen asleep in front of the TV. “I’m sorry, it must be late there.”

“That’s alright, Frase,” he said awkwardly, trying to straighten himself out, trying to feel a little less stupid for thinking Fraser wouldn’t call and he wouldn’t have to prepare himself for this conversation. “How are you?”

“I’m fine, thank you.”

“That’s good and uh, uh how’s the wolf? He coping without fast food and indoor heating?”

“Well, he still takes many opportunities to complain,” Fraser said sufferably, making Ray smile. “But he is keeping up with his duties. What about you, Ray?”

“Am I keeping up with my duties, you mean?” Ray had teased, but quickly followed with, “No, I’m fine Frase. Keeping busy, y’know.”

“Yes.” There was a long pause, making Ray’s foot start to bob with his nerves. Fraser coughed. “And did you receive the parcel I sent, Ray? I thought it might be safer to send to the precinct, rather than your apartment, since you said you’ve had trouble with - ”

“Yeah, I got it,” Ray interrupted. “Delivered to my desk and all. I haven't had a chance to open it though, ít’s just been a crazy time and I haven’t had a chance to scratch myself let alone open gifts and stuff so ...”

“That’s understandable. I remember how it gets at Christmas time.”

Ray felt those words like he’d been run through - he  _ remembered _ . All they had as partners, and friends; all of it was just a memory. Only Ray was still living it every day. “Yeah, so … so what are you doing at the moment?”

“Oh, much of the same. I’ve been asked to speak at a few events early next year, though, so I suppose I will be spending some time in town.”

“Right. That sounds …”

“Dull, Ray?” Fraser offered, and it was nice to hear some of the familiar teasing in his voice.

“Well, dull for me but for you …”

“For me too, I assure you. But, it’s for a good cause and as you say, Diefenbaker has been getting a little homesick for the urban lifestyle so …”

Ray didn’t know what else to say. Ray’s life hadn’t changed. Fraser’s hadn’t either. They weren’t together any more, not partners, but life went on.

"Right, well. I hope it all goes good."

"Thank you, Ray."

"I should probably - " Ray started, and then Fraser was talking over him,

"Yes, I'm sure you're very tired - "

And then they were just pushing back and forth, hitting walls the way they never used to,

"Let you get back to it."

"It was good to talk to you."

"You too. Thanks for the call, and the present - "

"Well of course - "

"I gotta send yours still, I haven't got around to it."

"That's too kind."

When it was quiet again, Ray realised he had a fist full of his trouser pants and his jaw was clenched so hard it hurt. "So, uh, Merry Christmas," he finally said, wiping a hand over his face. He could hear Fraser take a deep breath. Sigh.

"Merry Christmas, Ray."

*

Fraser decorated his cabin the year after that - Ray knew because he went up to see it, cashed in his leave days to spend a few weeks with Fraser and Dief and the endless miles of snow that Ray couldn't look at for too long for the fear of going blind. It had been different on the quest, they’d always been on the move. Only this time Fraser had stopped. Fraser was right where he was meant to be.

“For you, Ray,” Fraser said, returning to the bed where Ray was still snuggled up and warm. He was handing him an envelope, getting under the covers as well and pressing his body to Ray’s to find heat. 

“You could let a guy get dressed before exchanging gifts, Fraser.”

“It’s fine, you can stay right there,” Fraser told him, putting an arm across Ray’s pillow to let him rest his head on it. 

Fraser had been down to Chicago since he’d left, and had already planned to be back for a week or two next year. They hadn’t really talked about all this - what it was they were doing, how they’d keep it going. For Ray, though, the less that was said the better. All he knew for sure was that it felt got to be in Fraser’s arms, and it felt bad every time he was gone.

“Vouchers,” Ray said when he got the papers out of the envelope.

“For flights, Ray. For whenever you decide to visit again.”

“Wow … that’s. That’s a lot, I can’t ask you to - ”

“I wanted to,” Fraser interrupted, tightening his arm around Ray and curling in closer. When he pressed a kiss to Ray’s head, Ray felt it tremor down to his toes.

“All I got you was thermal underwear,” he said weakly, Fraser huffing laughter in his hair. 

“I can never have enough of that.”

Ray had let the papers fall to the bed, or off the edge, moving to press into Fraser and lift his head for a kiss. A proper kiss. Fraser’s hands were on his face, and his tongue in Ray’s mouth and Ray let Fraser roll him onto his back, let him maul him with his lips and mouth and stubble and teeth; licking and biting and stinging all the way down his boy until his nose was buried in Ray’s pubic hair.

“Please,” Ray said, gasping, pulling Fraser’s hair just a little too rough and enjoying the sound he made because of it. “C’mon Fraser, please, please.”

Ray never had to beg. Fraser was always willing, especially when they had so little time together. In bed or at the breakfast table or against the sofa, the rug, the shower screen. Touching, holding, kissing Ray; fucking him if they had enough time. Ray was always willing too, but found it hard to initiate - found it hard to always show Fraser just how much he wanted it.

Fraser knew. Ray was sure of that.

“Frase, I’m gonna,” Ray warned a little later, fingernail scratching deep into Fraser’s shoulders as he came down Fraser’s throat. “Jesus.”

“Merry Christmas, Ray.”

*

This year, Fraser is in Chicago for Christmas. Ray wakes up with Fraser next to him, with Dief snoring at the foot of the bed. In the next room the lights on the tree have been left on, flashing through the open doorway; it’s a real tree too, at Fraser’s request, so there’s a beautiful Pine smell wafting through as well. It’s perfect.

“Fraser,” Ray says quietly, nuzzling at his shoulder and his throat. Fraser groans in protest. “C’mon, lazy. Since when have I been awake before you?”

“You’re a bad influence, Ray,” Fraser tells him thickly, rolling onto his back to stretch.

Last night, Vecchio and Stella had thrown a big party at their place. It had felt like the whole precinct was there - not to mention the whole Vecchio clan, and all of Stella’s old friends that used to be Ray’s friends. It was a really good night. A great night. And taking Fraser home with him had just been the cherry on top.

“Why  _ are _ you awake so early?”

“I have something to give you,” Ray says and then backtracks. “No, something to, to  _ tell _ you.”

Fraser is wiping at his eyes as he sits up a little, sheets falling to expose the long lines and planes and muscles of his body. All that smooth skin, all of it Rays. “Alright, then. Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, it’s … I handed in my resignation with Welsh.”

Fraser blinks at him dumbly. It almost makes Ray want to laugh, despite the way his whole body is shaking with his nerves. “I’m sorry?”

“I quit. I got one more month and I’m done.”

“But why, Ray? I thought - don’t you want to - I don’t understand.”

“You don’t?” Ray splutters, not sure whether to tease him or be angry at him. “I been hauling my ass to the frozen wasteland of Canada every other month for a year and you don’t understand?”

Fraser is opening and closing his mouth like a fish, lost for words for the first time in a very long time. “You mean …”

“Yes, Fraser, _ I mean _ . I don’t want to be here any more. Not without you.”

“Ray.”

“I _ love _ you. I loved you since … I donno when Fraser, I donno, but it was a long fucking time ago and all I been doing since then is trying to get over it but  _ why _ ? Why, when … when you want me too, yeah? Don’t you?”

“Of course I do, Ray,” Fraser tells him almost desperately, taking Ray in his arms at last to hug him, hold him, kiss him fiercely until they’re both fighting for breath, foreheads pressed together. “I love you, too, Ray, very much. More than I can say. I don’t want to be without you, but I also don’t want to force you into anything - ”

“No,” Ray protests, giving him a gentle push. ‘I want - I want to come to Canada and live with you and just try, I just want to try.”

Ray notices now that there are tears in Fraser’s eyes, a smile slowly curling out that’s brighter than any other. “That sounds wonderful, Ray. I have hoped … I have dared to dream.”

“No more dreaming, right? You, me, the wolf - we’re pack. We belong together.”

“Yes, Ray. Together,” Fraser agrees, punctuating it with another kiss. “I can’t think of a better gift.”

"Yeah well, someone once said that when we give we also receive, right?" Ray says to him, wrapping him up in a strong, warm hug and whispering into his ear, “Merry Christmas, Fraser.”

**Author's Note:**

> [Tumblr.](http://thefancyspin.tumblr.com)


End file.
